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Beginning where it Began [Mar. 23rd, 2006|07:11 pm]
Several weeks ago I turned 25. Seven days prior to my birthday is where I shall begin. I hopped my nervous, but very excited self on a plane and headed out of this horrible state I'm in (literally and figuratively). I headed South to Beautiful, COLD, Georgia. My luggage and I departed the plane and into one of the largest, most overwhelming airports in the nation. Luckily I had two very pretty ladies there to welcome me with open arms! Atlanta is quite marvelous. I must say when I arranged this trip to see my friend Sarah, I had never pointed to Georgia (or Atlanta) on the map and said, "There! That's where I want to go." I can happily say now that Atlanta does wonders for this country. The city is a real city by all means: it's not overly lavish, dirty like Pittsburgh (yes, I said it), or smug with an attitude that its trying to be something else. It's cake!

When I returned home life just sorta hit me, and it hit hard. I thought about the great time I had with Sarah and her awesome roomies (plus the other couch buddy), the peacock tattooed on my boob, and these heavenly "flying biscuits", which is a must try before you die! I also thought about how my life is back to where it was before. Nothing changed. Call it if you must the quarter-life crisis b.s., but it's that horrible mile stone that just sits there on the ground. It's still grey, heavy and full of absolutely no information. I realize my whining is what most everyone in my age range goes through. I'm no special case or victim to this horrible drop off after your smooth ride through high school. High school really wasn't so bad, if only I could have told myself that then. Life was actually easy. You had someone telling you what to do, and you did it the best you could while hanging out with your friends. Damn! Now I've got to actually make something of myself with no idea who I want to be. I want that someone telling me what to do again.

I knew before Atlanta that I had to move away from this place. It was great growing up here, but now it's time to move on. I just wish it were as simple as packing up my car and driving away. As for the job security, I'm set. As for the starting up funds, I'm set. So what's holding me back? Well, I fell in love. But, honestly, I can't say that's a "hold back". It's beyond that. It's knowing that I've found that other side of me, that I'm willing to wait and work for even if it means blood, sweat and tears. At times I feel that my other side is on the same level as I, at least 90%. But, as discussed, there is that other 10% holding them back. That dream that involves making it as number 1, with maybe a number 2 coming years down the road. I know love can't be marked on your time line when it is most convenient for you; but when it's real and as true as true love can get, I say run wild with it! If life crashes and burns, then you know that it wasn't meant to be. You will get back up and do it all over again. They do the same thing in football, so sports men, you should know what I mean! Through all of my uncertainties, I know one thing for sure, and that's you take risks when you can. Many say you shouldn't put your life on hold, and for the most part I agree. I have looked in to the places I want to go, and I know at some point I may make that really hard decision and just go. I'm at that point in my life where I know in the means of love what exactly I want. Where I'm unlucky in love is that I'm the only one there. I don't want to push or hold back love from fulfilling their dreams; that would create regret and that risk taking would turn into heartache. So, my dilemma is this: how far do I go? When do I say, okay, let's make this work 1000 miles apart so I can get away and be happy, or do I wait with the chance of something more and that seeming pushy (and possibly another year of my life gone)?

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moving on up [Aug. 7th, 2005|10:30 am]
[Current Mood |blahblah]
[Current Music |a/c blowing, fish tank bubbling]

It's August 7th, 2005, 10:31 AM.

Come next August, I'm going to be moving far far away. My best friend is moving there early next month, and in November I'm going out there to find a place to live. It's already slightly draining me emotionally, which effects psychically. The next 11 months are going to be chaotic. I'm moving into a new position at work that is more demanding, taking 4 classes/sem, trying to find a place to live, and most importantly praying I get to transfer where I want to go.

If you find me off the path I was on, would you kindly pick me back up and scoot me along?

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Before I die... [Jul. 21st, 2005|11:18 pm]
Meet Lars Fredericksen
Be asked to dance
Have sex in an elevator
Go to a drive in movie
Change my name
Loose a strip poker game
Live on the West Coast
Get a Zoology Degree
Open a Gourmet Dessert shop
Get a professional massage
Create a chip that allows people to see the last image a person saw before they died
Have a cookout with 50 of my closest friends willing to eat buckets of KFC and drink cheap beer while Guns & Roses performs
Dress like Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas for Halloween
Have Jesse James take me for a ride on a custom chopper
Drive a 4 wheeler through a mud bath with friends
Find inner peace
Make up my mind
Sit on the set of a Tim Burton film
Travel through England, France, Ireland and Scotland
See New York at Christmas
Buy a good watch
Join Suicide Girls
Stop biting my inner lip
Be in two places at once
Be noticed by my father
Complete a novel
Pet a killer whale
Get over stage fright
Buy the house a round
See panda bears upclose
Save an animal from euthanasia
Spend an entire day on a sail boat fishing
Have flowers sent to me at work
Paint a mural
Find the purpose to flies
Read a book nonstop from morning until night
Learn to play Landslide on the guitar
Tie Tony to a railroad
Be serenaded
Have a book dedicated to
Lay in a field of lilies
Appreciate the day
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I am... [Jul. 21st, 2005|10:06 pm]
[Current Mood |hothot]
[Current Music |Swining Utters]

I'm not blond.
I'm not tan.
I'm not tall.
I'm not short.
I'm not blind.
I'm not deaf.
I'm not bilingual.
I'm not self-employed.
I'm not an anthropologist.
I'm not a mother.
I'm not a musician.
I'm not a piano tuner.
I'm not a widow.
I'm not a Jessica.
I'm not a trans-sexual.
I'm not a breadwinner.
I'm not old.
I'm not young.
I'm not an ivy league graduate.
I'm not beautiful.
I'm not a genius.
I'm not hyper.
I'm not calm.
I'm not athletic.
I'm not lazy.
I'm not a workaholic.
I'm not black.
I'm not gay.
I'm not rich.
I'm not poor.
I'm not 29.
I'm not desired.
I'm not dominant.
I'm not a killer.
I'm not a bike rider.
I'm not political.
I'm not a drug user.
I'm not an alcoholic.
I'm not from the West Coast.
I'm not an only child.
I'm not a comedian.
I'm not a hunter.
I'm not homeless.
I'm not un-passionate.
I'm not a sports fan.
I'm not a buffalo wings eater.
I'm not a vacuum person.
I'm not a country music fan.
I'm not a visitor of the Grand Canyon.
I'm not a shop-lifter.
I'm not a president.
I'm not an abortion activist.
I'm not a ricotta fan.
I'm not a bee charmer.
I'm not left handed.
I'm not a size 2.
I'm not a snake lover.
I'm not a vegan.
I'm not patient.
I'm not anal.
I'm not a lime green wearer.
I'm not European.
I'm not militant.
I'm not blue-eyed.
I'm not man made.
I'm not a cosmo girl.
I'm not a fan of children.
I'm not a Ford driver.
I'm not a psychic.
I'm not uncommonly named.
I'm not irrational.
I'm not perfect.
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(no subject) [Jul. 14th, 2005|10:25 am]

it's all I do
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AutoSwapMeet [Apr. 12th, 2005|12:45 am]
[Current Mood |amusedamused]
[Current Music |Brian Setzer Orchestra]

I drive slowly down Figueroa Street in Ventura, CA, on an early spring day. Windows are down and the breeze sends chills down my body. It's still early afternoon and the traffic is slow as the work place hasn't let out yet. I slow down as I start to approach a car garage on my right. I pull in and see pre-1975 American collector cars, street rods and muscle cars lined next to each other at full salute. Amazed, I put the car in park, dip out and walk over to a sexy red 51 Chevy. I run my fingers gently over its front grill and see my reflexion in its immaculate paint job. I hear Roger Miret and the Disasters playing from the opened garage as a tall, dark haired man with sideburns that resembles a Elvis' younger looking brother approaches.

"She's a real beaut, huh?" He says while I stare at the naked women and fireballs climbing up his tan arm.
"Yeah" I look back at the car and notice his reflexion next to mine.
"You wanna try her out?" He smiles and asks.

Woooooooooooooooooooooooo! Va VoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooM!
********************* BEEP BEEP ***************************************
VooOO000oooooooooooooOOOO0000m !!!!! BEEP !!!!!!!!!! BEEP ************!
BEEP !!!!!!!!!!!!! ******** VooooooooooooM !!! BEEP Woooooooooooooooooo

Vacation is as goes: Apr 28-May 2, May 13-22, June 9-13
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What's been going on? [Feb. 23rd, 2005|11:43 pm]

Fun and Social: My birthday party Friday night was crazy. Lots of people and alcohol. I woke the next morning head over the toilet promising God that if he got me through the day that I'd never drink again. That Saturday I had to entertain my best friend and her boyfriend all day, still slightly drunk and sick as a dog, I'm very proud of myself since I did tough it through and enjoyed seeing them both :)So now I have to throw another party March 11 for three people who are celebrating their birthdays. I'm getting too old for this! :) Speaking of old...can anyone guess how old I am now?

Productive: I've been doing a lot of writing lately. I'm working on creative ways to present my work, so if I actually do allow others to read the short stories and novella I've been working on, they'll be cool. I've been a creative consultant for a friend who is putting together a portfolio to show a local architecture firm. I've laid out a format for him that consists of his designs printed on transparencies and attached in a moleskin journal. It's turning out nicely. Maybe I should start charging for my services ;)

Last 24 hours: I worked what felt like a 20 hour shift, that was really 11-7:30. I had a small dinner party for some friends after work. About 6 of us. I served the best messy food ever! Tacos :)

Current thought: I have tomorrow off! :) Still slightly depressed, but I am over coming it with the help of those closest to me. There is one guy that I have known for several years, and every time I'm down he is always there to make me feel better. I don't think he knows this, but he means more to me then I think he'll ever know. And he gives the best hugs ever :* thanks.

"The thought manifests as the word;
The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into habit;
And habit hardens into character;
So watch the thought and its ways with care,
And let it spring from love
Born out of concern for all beings....
As the shadow follows the body,
As we think, so we become."

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a question. [Dec. 7th, 2004|12:51 am]
I saw an old high school friend today that I hadn't seen since I graduated. It made me so nostalgic I thought I was going to throw up. Lying in bed tonight, tossing and turning, I thought about my life as all the things she said she had accomplished with hers go over and over in my mind. Why can't I be satisfied with my life? I have no great accomplishments or achievements to write down or hang on my wall, and when my high school reunion approaches, what will I have to show for myself? I have never believed that what we've done in our lives determines who we are. We are not titles, but souls. I want to think that if I die tomorrow, living each day to the fullest made me truly happy, and not what career title I have under my name. I am reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler, M.D., this book fascinates me because the Dalai Lama speaks exactly how I feel and wish I could achieve about being happy with who we are and not what we have. I know that by not having true inner happiness I cannot be satisfied with my life. But how exactly do you overcome this feeling of under-achievement when you do run into someone that has "more to show" for their self? It is only human nature to want to "show off" to an acquaintance when they ask you that dreaded question, "so what have you been doing?" And then to walk away feeling horrible about yourself after they get through explaining their 15 page Curriculum Vitae and each and every plaque that covers their walls. It is then when I want to say, "well, I am a live and I am healthy, I also can put a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and wake most mornings feeling pretty good about myself." Isn't that what it truly is all about?
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(no subject) [Nov. 23rd, 2004|05:59 pm]
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |Faultline feat. Chris Martin, Where is my boy?]

These 7 AM morning shifts are sucking the blood out of me.... I'm a night person, not a morning one! I cannot function well or play nicely with others that early in the morning :( Especially since now I'm in charge of all the depsoit from the night before. Too much math and responsiblity for that early in the morning. I'm starting to feel like that old maid now, seriously. When I get home around 3:45, all I want to do is stay home. I turn down most invites I get to go out. Tonight some friends wanted me to join them for dinner, but I'm just so damn tired from being at work at 7 I couldn't force myself to go....and since I have to be at work AGAIN at 7 tomorrow, I know I wouldn't be able to drink. I know not being able to drink isn't the end of the world, but I do like to do that socially. I know when I was younger and working as a vet tech I would stay out until 2, come back to a cabin that several of us would stay in over the weekends, drink until 4 or 5 in the morning, pass out wherever and be able to go into work at 7 the next morning just fine. Of course I'd be a little tired, but hell I'm now getting 7-8 hrs of sleep and waking up at 7 the next morning is torture. I can even remmeber passing out in a tent with 3 or 4 other people, and wake up on my own in time for work. I don't think being there that early would be so bad if it was something I did every day, but with my schedule changing so much from working 7 in the morning to going into work at 3:30 in the evening, that my body can't adjust properly. I refuse to think it's age catching up with me! I want to be 21 again and stay it forever, damnit! Even if it kills me... No. 7 AM is going to kill me.
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(no subject) [Oct. 26th, 2004|07:57 pm]
If tonight I die,
Who will cry?
Strangers with their feigned interest,
While those I love have turned away.
And if my best isn't good enough,
What more can I give?
Go ahead--walk away.
Just leave me here alone.

And if tonight I die,
Who will cry?
All my strength is drained,
With nothing left to give.
Drowning in the depths of sorrow,
No tears left to cry.
A silent voice and distant eyes
That no one hears or sees.

And if tonight I die,
Who will cry?
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